Flying 101

            I have become extremely familiar with the air travel process over the past few years. During the past few weeks alone, I have spent over fifty hours either on a plane or in an airport. I have learned how to pack a suitcase completely full without it going over the acceptable fifty pound weight limit, how to check in and make it through security without setting the metal detector off, how to make it through a long flight next to some of the most unpleasant people, and how to get through customs without completely losing my mind.

            I realize that I don’t spend nearly as much time on airplanes as some individuals, but I feel as if I have a good grasp on some of the basics of flying. It hadn’t really dawned on me until recently that many people lack that knowledge or are just in dire need of a refresher course. I decided to take the time to reflect on my last few flights and point out a few tips that may help my fellow travelers.

            First and foremost, I want to talk about terminal security. I’m sure everyone has watched the news at some point in the last ten years and realize that airports have bumped up security significantly, and for good reason. But for those of you living under a rock, here is how it all works. After checking in for your flight, the next step is to go through security. According to all of the large signs posted every two feet inside the airport, you are not allowed to carry sharp objects, sporting goods, guns and firearms, tools, martial arts and self defense items, explosive and flammable materials, disabling chemicals, and no more than 3.4 ounces of non-dangerous liquids. So please do us all a favor and leave your guns, axes, meat cleavers, swords, nunchucks, dynamite, hand grenades, and tear gas at home. It will save you from an endless amount of time explaining why you even own such items, not to mention save you a lot of money from legal fees, and mostly likely from time behind bars.  

            Also, don’t bother trying to get that $20 bottle of Coca Cola you just bought in the airport through security. Last time I checked, Coca Cola doesn’t sell 3.4 ounce cans which can only mean that the bottle in your hand is not allowed past security. I completely understand if you want to finish it before going through the line, but please step out of line to do so instead of standing there in front of the metal detector chugging it while thirty annoyed travelers look on.

            Next, you will be required to take your computer, if you have one, out of your bag and place both the computer and the bag on the belt to be scanned. You will also be required to take off your shoes and place them on the belt along with any metal that you may have in your pockets or on you. And yes, your belt most likely has a metal buckle on it just like the guy in front of you who set the metal detector off because he failed to remove his belt. Do us all a favor and take it off before you go through the metal detector. And please, for the sake of all of the passengers behind you who are trying to catch a flight, don’t empty your pockets one coin at a time and try to go through the detector. It isn’t one specific coin that is setting the machine off so just take them all out at once.

            After you have successfully made it through security, proceed to your gate and wait for your flight to start boarding. I realize that you and your teenage friends may have just bought souvenir blow horns at the airport shop, but inside the gate whilst waiting to board is not the time to test the horns out. Wait until you have reached your final destination and then by all means, feel free to show off your awesome souvenirs to your loved ones.

            Once in flight, please listen to the pilots and flight attendants. The Captain and Co-Pilot usually have an Air Force background, an impressive flight log, and an extensive amount of training that tells me they know more about flying than the rest of us. If the Captain asks the flight attendants to end services and take a seat for a brief period due to severe turbulence, that doesn’t mean that you should get up and start helping yourself to your luggage, drinks, or anything else that requires you to be out of your seat. I’d rather have you safely in your seat and bored without your iPad than falling in my lap because you decide that you need Candy Crush in your life at the same moment that we are flying through a severe thunderstorm.

            Also, I understand wanting to get as comfortable as possible on a flight, especially the long flights. But if you don’t believe in showering or wearing socks with your shoes, then you have no business taking your shoes off in the confined space of an airplane. One, I should not be able to smell your feet while sitting five rows behind you. And two, if I can smell your feet from five rows away, I should not have to contemplate whether or not I will need to use the barf bag in the seat pocket in front of me because of the smell. If other people around you are asking the flight attendants to make you put your shoes back on, then you should probably just afford them the common courtesy and do it.

            Now lets talk about landing. Most people don’t realize that takeoff and landing can be the most dangerous parts of flying. There are strict rules that the airlines follow to keep everyone safe. Just because one of the wheels on the plane has touched down does not mean that we have landed safely and you can stand up and start to crawl over me while we are cruising down the runway at 200 miles per hour. And it certainly doesn’t mean that you are free to get up and move about the cabin. If the flight attendants are yelling at you from their seats, you need to stop doing whatever it is that you are doing and return to your seat immediately. And if the flight attendants have to get up and physically make you sit down, you should probably never do whatever you just did again.

            The fun doesn’t stop after the plane has landed safely. After an international flight, we all have to go through immigration. Yes, every immigration process is slightly different depending on the country, but there are a few things that should be considered standard. One, it is never okay to stand behind me in line and hawk loogies up while proceeding to spit them on the ground next to my feet and luggage. We are inside of an airport. I realize that your sinuses might be a mess due to the long flight, but please use a restroom to take care of that issue. Two, if you need to sneeze, please cover your nose and mouth like your parents taught you to do when you were a child. And if they never taught you to be polite, follow the actions of the hundred people around you. The blouse of the woman in front of you is not a Kleenex, and I’m sure she would really appreciate it if she didn’t have to wear your snot on her back for the rest of the day.

            Despite spending days at a time stuck inside busy airports or on planes, I have to admit that I am rarely bored. Observing the behavior of others has truly become an entertaining and educational experience for me. I have quickly found myself becoming more and more aware of how my own actions and travel habits affect the people around me. Needless to say, I avoid wearing anything metal at all cost, never take my shoes off during flight, and sit patiently until the plane has come to a complete stop. Happy travels everyone!